Looking into Yonseians’ perspectives on marriage

 BACK WHEN we were children, we entertained ourselves with various different games. Among them, what gained the most popularity amongst young girls was *So-kkub-no-ri*, or playing house. As a college student, marriage is no longer the object of virtual game but has become a close reality for us. After years in college, what kind of marriage will we experience? What will be waiting for us after marriage? What kind of changes would our marriage bring about? The *Yonsei Annals* asked 780 Yonseians on their opinions about marriage and family.
 
Will you marry her/him?
 
   According to the survey, 56.8% answered that they would definitely get married. This response rate shows a good contrast with the survey result conducted by JobKorea in 2013 to college students, with only 31.0% of 612 respondents giving the same answer. From this, it can be inferred that a higher than average number of Yonseians holds a positive yet conservative perspectives towards marriage, when compared to the thoughts of general university student body.
However, it is also notable that those who responded that they do not mind staying single also reached 36.7% of the total respondents, showing that not a small number of Yonseians feel indifferent towards marriage. Yet, this does not mean that they are particularly against marriage. For them, marriage is merely a matter of choice. Such changes represent the students’ changed perception on their approach to marriage.
   On the other hand, 5.1% of the respondents answered that they would not get married while, only 0.9% of Yonseians answered that they have never seriously thought about marriage. From this low value, it can be inferred that most students in Yonsei has started to seriously consider about marriage. Now, marriage is no longer a fairytale, but imminent reality.
 
 
Box 1. Three different opinions on marriage
 
K : I really want to get married in the future. I think I will feel a sense of stability and thus would be much relaxed since there is always someone to raise me up whenever I need to. For me, marriage is a very meaningful ceremony since it is where the love between two people is officially and socially acknowledged. It also signals the beginning of my own family. Marriage would definitely be one of the most important stages in my life. 
E : I do not agree with the idea that people should get married. These days, people tend to sanctify marriage and see only the good parts of marriage. Of course I agree that there are many benefits that marriage brings, but I also agree to the opinion that it would entail as many disadvantages, either. My freedom would be greatly restricted, since I have to be responsible to my spouse, and especially for women, the problem of so-called *See-world*, which refers to stress that married women receive from serving their husband’s families, is also burdensome. So it is important to consider both benefits and drawbacks of marriage before considering it.
S : I prefer living together without getting married. If you report your marriage, it means you and your partner would be legally responsible for each other. For me, such a binding relationship is a bit burdensome. Furthermore, I believe that there is not a bit of problem in having a family and living with the ones I love without getting legally married. It seems reasonable for me to save the costs necessary for marriage and use them for my children, friends, lover and families instead.
 
Romantic yet realistic
 
In the interview asking the ideal dating duration, an anonymous student J said, “I think the dating duration before marriage should be long enough to understand each other thoroughly, but it shouldn’t be too long, so that couples can get married when their love toward each other is at its peak. If the dating duration gets too long, love between two people also fades away, making it difficult for two people to treat each other with the same passion and love in their marriage lives.” According to survey, for most Yonseians, this ideal duration of dating is more than a year and less than three years, with 46.8% response rating. Likewise, the ideal length of dating period reflects the desire to start a marital life filled with love. When asked what the ultimate objective of marriage is, 60.8% of the respondents answered “to live with the one I love.” This reveals Yonseians’ romantic view of marriage. For most Yonseians, marriage is the fruit of love between two people.
   The advent of such romantic view on marriage is closely related with changes in the Korean society, from collectivism to individualism. In the pre-modern society, marriage was considered as an act of unification between two families. In most cases what mattered the most in a marriage was the family background of spouses, not their individual characteristics. Marriage was a ceremony that signaled the birth of a new family, which would help bond the two different family together, while contributing to the reproduction of new members of the society. Thus getting married and giving birth to children was considered a duty, not a choice. Those who did not get married even after their proper age were marked as those who abandoned their social duty. Marriage was the matter of many diverse groups in society.
On the other hand, in post-modern society, marriage became an individual affair. Regarding who makes the final decision in marriage, around 90% of respondents answered that “my” decision above all the others is the most important factor that plays the greatest role in making a decision. Instead of tradition and background, the will of the two people became the most important factor when considering marriage. Thus in the current individualistic society where “my” decision is appreciated more than anything else, whether “I” love my future spouse “in person” became the most important factor for marriage.
   However, Yonseians do not focus solely on the romantic parts of the marriage. Although the main purpose of marriage was rooted in romance, it was found out that Yonseians have very realistic attitude towards the actual married life. Regarding marriage rituals such as engagement ceremony, marital ceremony and *Hon-soo-ye-mool*, which refers to gifts presented from both families to the newly-wed couple, 86% of Yonseians, who takes practicality and economic elements into account, answered that it does not matter whether they hold an engagement ceremony or not. On the question asking the kind of wedding ceremony Yonseians prefer the most, 73.2% answered that they prefer small or medium-scale ceremony with few close friends and families attending. Likewise, rather than holding a fancy wedding ceremony similar to that of romantic movies, most Yonseians chose to hold back on the ceremonies, minimizing the expense from their accounts. Also regarding *Hon-soo-ye-mool*, a traditional custom where the groom’s family prepare a home while the bride’s family furnishes it, the highest portion respondents with 38.0% of rating answered that it is a matter to be settled through discussion between the two families. This is to lessen the economic burden for their families, by adjusting the consuming lists according to their budget status.
   Besides personal factors like the family environments they grew up and what they went through so far, social trend might also have played a great role in forming Yonseians’ economic attitude toward married life. The increasing worries on decreasing youth employment rate drive college students to focus on reality rather than fantasy. While the delight from holding luxurious wedding ceremonies lasts only for a moment, the delight of having enough money in family account to pay for things essential to daily lives, such as food, traffic, home, and children, lasts much longer. For those who began to consider on their future children, the enormous amount of money they might need for their children’s education is another burden.
 
Are we ready to be a parent?
 
  According to Do Hyun-sook (Prof., Dept. of Child Studies, Ewha Women’s Univ.) the future family of Yonseians would not vary much from the current model and distribution of families. According to the survey, it is estimated that Yonseians are likely to have about 1.731 children in average, and 64.8% of them are likely to live apart from their parents, with about 79.1% positive about both parents earning money. Overall, the majority of Yonseian families will take a form of nuclear family consisting of working parents and few children, which is common in the current Korean society.
   It is notable that about 72.8% of respondents answered that they would have two or more children in the future, while the total amount of those who answered that they plan to have children is 79.4%. Fortunately for those who worry over the falling birth rate of Korea, Yonseians’ positive attitude toward having children is a comforting one. However, there still remains other serious problem. Professor Do points out that most college students are not ready to be a parent yet and thus have less confidence in raising their children. “Young people these days are familiar with vertical parent-children relationship. It was expected for parents to give children entire support.” For current young Korean college students who grew up under such environment, becoming a parent means taking a huge responsibility. The sense of burden Yonseians feel on raising children is reflected in the survey result, in which 43.24% of respondents answered that the best time to have child is when they are economically ready. However, Do points out that parents do not need to take whole responsibilities for children’s lives. “We need to understand parent-children relationship as an interaction between two equivalent beings and therefore loosen the students’ burden,” says Do.
   The problem of leaving children lonely is also expected to be a serious problem. As mentioned above, 79.1% answered that they are positive toward both couple maintaining their career after marriage. This is partially due to the changed perspective on career, in which the career is no longer merely a method of income, but a way to achieve self-realization. Although having both parents may help develop national economy by enlarging Korea’s workforce, it might not be good for their children’s mental health. According to Do, “It is extremely important for the mental health of children that they spend their first 6 months of their lives with their mother. However, if both mother and father had a job, it would be difficult for these parents to take a leave and spend time with their babies.” Although the smile of a child is the basis to a happy family, there is just not enough time for parents to interact with their children, leaving them devoid of love and care due to their busy work schedule.
As a solution to these problems, two main approaches can be suggested. In an institutional approach, policies which can help working moms and dads spend time with their children without worrying about their career could help resolve the situation. However, the current childcare policies implemented by government and companies are still at its developmental stage, still impeding a great amount of burden to female workers, who are expected to raise their children according to traditional social perception. The policies that ensure maternity leave for working moms to spend their time with their children for at least 6 months without any disadvantages in their career should be proposed as quickly as possible.
 In a more microscopic approach, Do emphasizes the importance of educating future parents on how to be parents. According to her, lots of young parents are not educated on parenting and thus, unqualified to be good parents. They misunderstand many things about their children and the importance of their role in the children’s lives. She criticizes that “while so many people spend so much time and expense in learning to improve their computer and English skills, so little people take their time to learn to improve their parenting skills. We need to be prepared to be parents, for the sake of our future children and for the sake of our own, too.”
 
*                 *                 *
 
Through the survey, it could be concluded that the majority of Yonseians hold positive opinions towards marriage and having children. They are most likely to get married with the ones they love, and start a stable marriage life with the money earned by both couples working together. Then when they judge that they are economically affluent enough, they might get two or more children. It can be expected that Yonseians’ marriage would reproduce a society not very different from the current one. However, that does not mean that we are fine with things as it is now. For the happier marriage life with happier children, policies for helping working parents and educating parenting skills should be proposed and acted out widely.
저작권자 © The Yonsei Annals 무단전재 및 재배포 금지