OUR BODIES change all the time, and with it, our self-confidence. We feel too big, small, or just generally inadequate in front of a mirror. I’ve felt this way about myself since I was just nine. Since then, in my quest for self-acceptance, I have grown weary of body positivity−the idea that we should be comfortable in our body and praise it for its natural beauty. Being comfortable in your own body is important but the mindset of body positivity is draining and not for everyone, like myself. 

   When I was nine, I was big for my age—skinny-fat and about 20 kg heavier than my average school classmate. Some of my classmates made crude jokes about my flabby stomach and arms and some of my relatives also noted my rapid weight gain, which made me more conscious of how I looked. I wanted a judgment-free environment. I told my close friends and my mother that I was having these thoughts and insecurities, to which they responded by telling me I was not “fat” or “overweight” but “fit” or “perfect the way I am.” It felt good to be reassured about my body image, so I started repeating their body-positive phrases to myself whenever I felt judged by others in society.  However, I came to a realization that I was only growing more insecure about how I looked as years passed. The rude jokes, my relatives encouraging me to lose weight, and the judgmental stares never went away, and every time they came back, my insecurities only got worse. My self-worth hinged upon how my body looked like to others. I would try to bring myself to love my body, but it was only in spurts of optimism, which I knew would not last.   

   Whenever I looked at a mirror and told myself that I was fit, I felt guilty because this was only changing my mindset and not my body. I was eating two adult-size portion meals every day and barely exercising. I was worried that my body was not in a healthy state and that the judgmental comments I received thus far were true, and after I consulted with a doctor, my fears came true—I was approaching obesity. The doctor made it clear that there were severe health implications, and I had to stick to a diet and exercise regularly. From then on, I decided to change my lifestyle based on the doctor’s recommendations. Staying body-positive was becoming more difficult because I knew I needed to change. Body positivity created an association between my body and my sense of self-worth, so my confidence plummeted when I was told that I was unhealthy. I felt like the collective ridicule and judgement I received from classmates and relatives was validated, and I was the one who was wrong for denying their claims in the first place. Despite my best efforts of remaining body-positive, the dieting and exercise were only adding to my frustrations and demoralized me to the point where I was overwhelmed with having to feel a certain way about my body. This unhealthy mental cycle continued, and I only found myself hating my body more. 

   I have since discovered body neutrality, and I wish that I could have applied it to my life when I was a self-conscious overweight nine-year-old. In an interview with The Yonsei Annals, Fitness Counselor and Body Image Specialist, Anne Poirier, told that it was first developed to empower women and their perceptions of their bodies in a healthier and sustainable way. Poirier stated that body neutrality does not oppose body positivity but goes against body hatred. Rather, it is a “neutral mindset that focuses on the functionalities of the body rather than how it looks like.” Its simplicity is what makes it effective. Instead of focusing on the aesthetics of your body, you simply look at what it does for you. For instance, instead of looking at my chubby legs and thinking they were not as appealing as my other friends or a celebrity, I could have focused on their functionalities. I should have addressed the fact that I could not walk to school for 20 minutes straight without taking three sitting breaks on the way instead of associating it with my self-worth. Body neutrality is about observing your body’s movements rather than judging its visual appeal. If I wanted others to stop judging me, I should have first stopped myself.

   Body positivity has its merits when your body is in a healthy state, but issues arise when it is not. Unlike body positivity, body neutrality accounts for a society that is critical of your body and health standards. It’s the judgement-free mindset that I was seeking before adopting body positivity. My dependence on body positivity was taxing and unrealistic, especially when things turned for the worse, which I now learned to avoid through body neutrality.